Slumber failure...

My slumbering pad failed to tempt me to slumber...so here I am keeping my blog company...opps or could I say vice versa. All known beings that are virtually alive whenever I failed to slumber..are slumbering peacefully...after the raya exhaustion.

Lots of physical movements need to be executed to complete all DEADlines that are coming up. In about 7 days...I will be in a land filled with slums yet richness. Will be rendering my "service" in non-monetary kind for 3 whole weeks. Packing has not been done...only mental notes...so me.."Procastinator".

In less 3 months...I will be away for a long year...new ground, new abode, new resolutions...will be away to reach my dream with hope that it will become reality. Hope.HIM.Fate. I will be tending to my own needs and wants...but never alone as HE is always there with me. Always. Forever. FEAR will only comes if I forgets HIS presence. Masya Allah.

Lots of settlements need to be done...and what am i doing ?...what else?..PROCASTINATING...
Procastinating is Shaytan's Call...I know but I ignored..:(

How I spent the 5th day of Syawal?...wasted?

Spent the day...blog peeping from familiar reads to strangers that triggers my "numb" mind. Was it a wasted day, nope it wasn't.. it was an inspiringly captivating day for me.

Read below and you will know what i meant...courtesy of the mentioned bloggerianz...granted without their permission but with stated copyright.

Total Extraction From Burhan.net
Great line from the movie Fight Club

At about 1hr 4min into the movie, Tyler kisses Jack's hand, and then powders a dusting of Lye on it. As Jack experiences a chemical burn in the shape of Tyler's lips, Tyler looks at him and says "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything".. A wonderful line that I just had to share.

Total Extraction from Silentdelirium

The Prophet said that women totally dominate men of intellect and possessors of hearts. But ignorant men dominate women, for they are shackled by an animal ferocity. They have no kindness, gentleness or love, since animality dominates their nature. Love and kindness are human attributes; anger and sensuality belong to the animals. She is the radiance of God, she is not your beloved. She is a creator - you could say that she is not created.
- Jalal al-Din Rumi-

Total Extraction from Volume of Interactions

Everything happens for a reason.
Often that reason is hidden, and it takes so much time before it becomes clear, if at all.

Total Extraction from Dear Cindy...
For "full original version"of the tree....:) click on the rightful owner site.

As written in the last paragraph:

"Under this tree of tapering pine
I carved your name with a soul so tire
I embellish beautiful line
So you'll forever be mine
I'm writing to reach you
You can read me, can't you?"

The word "forever" referred only to my passion, to the eternal someone as reflected in my blood. The someone whose iliac crest had not yet flared, the someone that today I could virtually touch and smell and hear and see, the someone of the strident voice and the rich black hair - of the bangs and the swirls at the sides and the curls at the back, and the hot sticky neck..
by cindy sakuntala

Offer your aid when someone is in need...Share when no one seek your aid. I am sharing with hope that it will be of help to any soul.

The first day of Raya..my true love (HIM) gave to me..

1. A blissful morning to heed HIS calling.
2. A day of visitation by my loved ones...to rekindle those faded ties. Allhamdulillah.
3. A blessed visit to the one that needs lots of TLC, tender, loving, care. The pain she suffers is for us to acknowledge and the burden is to be shared.

This year, I had a very different emotional acceptance towards Syawal. No more merry merry Raya...it seems that as I gets older, the excitement of Syawal seems not to resurface. No more splurging on new accessories to beautify myself, or home necessities/ accessories...no more. Will it resurface again? Missing Ramadhan more...too late to dwell on those wasted times..with hopes more Ramadhans to come. Insya Allah.

When Syawal comes, the absence of those dear to u, makes ur tear valve turn on to its maximum level...knowing that they are awake from their peaceful rest. Their pain is our joy. We realized it but we forgot it.

Less than 48 hours....

Will we be celebrating with equanimity or in exuberant manner ?

In less than 48 hours, the sacred month will be another awaited month. Insya Allah. With hope...more Ramadhans to come for all of us. The enemies will be unchained and they will be freed. When they are freed where will we be? Will we still be in slumberland or will we be joining the sacred morning congression to welcome the celebration with HIS blessings?

The following acts are prescribed as Sunnah at the beginning of the day of 'Eid-ul-Fitr before proceeding to the Eid prayer:
1. To wake up early in the morning.
2. To clean one's teeth with a Miswaak or a brush.
3. To take a bath.
4. To put on one's best available clothes.
5. To wear perfume.
6. To eat a sweet food, preferably dates, before the Eid prayer.
7. To recite the following Takbir in the low voice while going to the 'Eid prayer:
"Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar La Ilaha Ila Allah Wa Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar Wa Lillahi Alhamd"

To my Dear Muslim Friends,
To live, to learn.
To forgive and to forget.
To celebrate at ease and without calamity.
To know you are forgiven and able to forgive...:)

Eid Mubarak to all of you and your beloved ones.

Exhausted...

Today... marks the last day of the final semester this year. I am all exhausted..physically and mentally. Need to rejuvenate. After one chore...come another...never ending. In some ways, when there are no empty spaces...life move on in a speed mode. The celebration is coming and we are leaving this sacred month. Throughout my years of fasting, I have never truly treasure this sacred month. It was just the celebration that matters to me.I will be impatiently waiting for the arrival of the celebration...to don myself...to be at my best physical state. But not this year...and not ever.

This year...i feel closer to HIM. I do. Much more deeds need to be done to be close to HIM. I have not reach that close proximity...as I am still indulging in my devilish thoughts... To HIM, I ask for help. To cleanse my heart, mind and soul.

Today...HE helped me. HE helped me to smile. Smile although my heart and my mind was storming with anxiety in accomplishing my responsibility. HE did give me a test, I think I failed the first test...and throughout the day..HE set me more tests. I did it. I accomplished it. I passed it without calamity and with patience. Thank you...for the series of challenges that you have set for me today. I am seeing my new "light"...Allhamdulillah:)

The fleeting look....

Was that you?
There was I tryng to elucidate all thoughts and visions.
Amusing myself with the virtual reality.
It is exhausting to have popping emo thoughts.
Nothing has transpired. Nothing.

To HIM I seek for the clueless answers.
To HIM I ask for the strength to re-energize me when i am exhausted.
The Devils are all chained...what else causes this popping emo breakdowns?

Then...there was I amusing myself with the virtual reality...
And there was you sitting solemnly.
It was a fleeting look.
Was that you?...Was that you?
If that was you...your physical state saddened me.
My heart was there...or could i say is there..
but the opportunity was drowned in sorrow.
I foolishly stated my big plan..for better tomorrows.
Were you hearing it with smile?
OR were you hearing it with disgust?

Was that your physical state...was that your expressive state?
Or was that for just that moment...
You were caught off guard for that moment.

Was that you?
DEC 19...coming..
I doubt so.
I shall not hope.
As blinded hopes will kill my happiness.
But my life will be filled with blessed hopes.
Hopes that will be tranpired with HIS moves.
Hope.HIM.Fate
Insya Allah.

The Shaytans are chained in this holy month of Ramadhan. Why are we still heading towards the dark side, unnoticed? Why?

Procastination....not now...later...Who's call?

I am a true blue "procastinator". I took a personality test two years ago during a staff retreat and I was one of those few who were classified under "PLAY first, work later". So true. VERY true. I have tried countless time to organize my daily routines. To be more disciplined. BUT...:(. Can one be changed? If a leopard can't change it's spots....Can we human change for the better?

Good Intention...But..
I have good intentions.
But I procastinate.
I claimed I am in love with HIM.
But I procastinate.
I claimed to love him more.
But I procastinate.
I claimed to seek his attention.
But I procastinate.

But I do have good intentions.
But I procastinate.

Total extraction from: http://www.islaam.org.uk/ie/ilm/purification/0091.htm

Listen to the advice of Imam Ibn Jamaa'ah if you want to know what it takes to correct your intention,
"A proper and sincere intention when studying Islam is to intend to win the pleasure of Allah by what you are doing. You should intend to practice what you learn, to resurrect the Shariah, hoping that this knowledge will shine light on your heart, cleanse your soul, and bring you closer to Allah on the day of Judgement. Your intention for studying Islam should not be to win any worldly commodity, like leadership or fame or riches. It should not be learnt so that you can show off to your colleagues or so that people will revere you and sit you in a chief position in their gatherings, and so on." - from Imam Ibn Jamaa'ah's book, Tadhkirat as-Saami' wal Mutakallim.

Secondly:
We should understand that we are in a continuous war with Shaytaan, and he does not want us to succeed in this studying. Allah ta'aala says, "When thou does read the Qur'an, seek Allah's protection from Satan the Rejected One." An-Nahl, 98

The Shaytaan shall sit in the face of every good thing that you try to do. Rasul Allah told us, "The Shaytaan sits in the path (of every goodness) that the son of Aadam (may try to take). He sat in front of him when he took the path to Islam and told him, 'how could you leave the religion of your fathers and your fore-fathers?' But he disobeyed him and became Muslim. Then Shaytaan sat in front of him in his path to Hijrah and said, 'How could you leave your land and your sky?' But he disobeyed him and migrated (from Makkah). Then he sat in front of him in his path of Jihaad and said, 'Why should you do Jihad? It will only exhaust your wealth and body. You'll be killed, your wife will marry someone else, and your wealth will be divided (to others).' But he disobeyed him and went for Jihad." Rasul Allah then said, "Whoever does this, it is a duty upon Allah that He shall enter him into Jannah!"

How will the Shaytaan sit in your face:
He will tell you to study tomorrow, and when tomorrow comes, study tomorrow. Procrastination is from the Shaytaan!

Shaytaan will tell you that you are busy now and that later in your life you shall take the time out to study Islam. After marriage, after graduation, after you get a job. Life shall pass and the 'after' shall live forever.

Shaytaan will tell you that the situation of the Ummah is lost and that you studying will not help anything, so don't waste your time. Combat this with what you've seen from the Jihad of knowledge and teaching that Rasul Allah and those that came before us did.

Shaytaan will tell you that there are enough scholars, they don't need you. Combat this with the fact that scholars shall die, and if the knowledge is not passed on to the next generation, it shall die in the community. There are 1.4 billion Muslims and the problem that always comes up is that there are not enough teachers and scholars. Everyone is a shepherd and everyone shall be responsible for his or her flock!

Thirdly:
We should never forget to pray to Allah to bless us with His Mercy in succeeding in our intentions to learn Islam for His sake.

Allah ta'aala says "When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me." Surah Al-Baqarah, 186

Let us pray to Allah now to make this effort we are doing to learn His Deen, to learn His Shariah, sincere for His sake. And that He blesses us by His Mercy to succeed in what we intend. Verily, he has the Power to do anything.

Not to defy HIM is not to instill devillish act in oneself. Procastination is the Shaytan calls. These calls will be ignored. Insya Allah.

Short Interest Span...

Thousand apologies..:) For those who have been visiting and have been getting giddy spell entering my blog due to this humble being indecisiveness and short interest span. All of you are my witness to the several facelifts this blog has undergone. It is not perfection that I am looking for...but something that suits ME...:).

I have been having homeground problem here...as i does my blog construction based on my system screen resolution of 1024x768 pixels... and when i switched it to 600x800..it looks constipated..opps..

Now..let's have interactive session here..:)
A. I would like to survey which of these screen resolutions..are mostly the default setting by most systems.
B. Is there any "trick html codes" to set the template to be equally digest by both screen resolutions.
C. And yups..with this new blog template....I can't align entry to center paragraph...and that's my autistic tendencies...misalignment...makes me flapped:(.
Please aid this humble being to better herself...by replying these WANTS...through the comment link:)

Indecisiveness...creates pain and displeasure to you and others...

My Inspiration...

The time has come for them to move on.
This is not goodbye, this is not the end.
This is just the beginning of new life ahead.
The beginning of better tomorrows.

They are my inspiration.
They are the angels that showers me with joy,
when i am deep in sorrow.
They are the reason ...
why I am who I am yesterday, today and tomorrow.
And the days after.

They are created by HIM to teach us...
to treasure the meaning of life with emotions and sensitivity.
HE created them for us to mould them.
HE has given us this noble responsibility.
We are the chosen ones.

For every Special beings HE has created,
HE has chosen other beings to follow or lead these Special beings.
Don't ever question your presence by their side.
As HE has lead you to them.

They will always be a white cloth to HIM as they are Autistic.

"The only thing better than love at first sight is love with insight".

Extracted from a forum at www.islamicaweb.com
Notice that quote. Love at first sight is all emotion and no insight. It's hormonally driven and all about bells and whistles. Love at first sight gets our juices flowing, and in the end, it's pretty meaningless. Love with insight is the ability to truly see the love object, which might be pretty much anything, in a clear and thoughtful and yet not attached, not emotional way.

When we are caught in the emotion of "love," (or any emotion, for that matter) then scowling is inevitable. We have "fallen down and can't get up," trapped ("Tight??") in our illusions, our fantasies, our need to control others or situations. When we are iving with insight, we see from multiple perspectives. We allow others to be who they are, while choosing not to "be" them just because we care about them. We hold on to all things with a light touch. A non-critical, non-judgemental touch.

In this lightly holding stance, our bodies begin to flow, naturally. Using pressure and Bodywork, we learn to "let go" of chronic tension, even the tension we no longer feel, numb as we are. The pressure ("I think my head is going to explode!") is no longer necessary, nor appreciated, so it can simply be put aside.

I am guilty.
Guillty of denying the insight.
Guilty of denying the truth till it transpired.
Was the insight tranparent to you?
Are you guilty?
Are we guilty?
I am guilty.
Truths will only transpire when we unwearyingly waits for HIS calls.

He loves them...His Bona fide love.

2 years ago the blessed communion of his two beings were performed. Blissful journey ahead. With the thoughts of offsprings that will brighten up their lving space. Travelling was their past time. Transporting from one continent to another was their dream. But HE has other plans for them. As they have been loving HIM less. Lesser as each day gets by. But HE never fails to love them. Never fails to shower them with the worldly needs and wants that they seek.

A fall that will never be forgotten, it was a gateway to the other plan HE has for them. After 6 months of the worldly happiness that they have succumbed to, it came to an end. It was a turning point for them to realize that HE has been giving them undivided attention, but they failed to see it and feel it. But it is never too late to seek HIS love. As HE is always waiting. Waiting for our love.

It was not just an aching back. It was the beginning of HIS other plan. She was diagnosed. Diagnose of having a Giant Tumour growing at the back of her aching body. 2 years of displeasure that comes with HIS blessing. She seeks refuge at the hospital to recuperate. Everything changes. Parents that always bicker, gets closer. Elder sister that has been ignoring her presence, act as her recuperating nurse. Broken ties were mend. It was a blessing in disguise.

Now, after two years of undergoing the painful routine, she is still recuperating. At 28, she is bedridden. Only moves when aided. But her sanity, brings her closer to HIM, to us. Her pain has mend the broken ties.

Dedicate to you with love,
Your nerves are not alerting you,
But you are still smiling,
Your anus is not at the created place,
But you are still smiling,
You ease through a tube that link to a bag for all to see,
But you are still smiling,
Your feet slumbers...not knowing when it will wakes up,
But you are still smiling,
Your dear one that vowed...till death do us apart...
is leaving without u knowing,
But you are still smiling,
In HIS eyes...you are not less his UMAT,
In OUR eyes...you are not less a woman, a sister, a daughter and a wife.
In MY eyes...you are my pillar for my strengths...You are my HERO.
I have promised myself to saunter under the morning sun to see you every morning.
I will. Insya Allah.

He loves them II
Your first child is a chatterbox. Brightens up their life. Comes the 2nd child, she is a doll. Her porcelain beauty, sweet dimple is a pleasure to look at. But her presence has created lots of turmoil in your communion, due to the disability that comes with that beauty. You are at a indecisive juncture. She is going 4, no sign of speech, no sign of social interest, no sign of improving of growing. her walking gate it still at the minimal. And now, there's growing tumour in her brain that might be the cause of her developmental delay. The professionals are not GOD, they are just there to provide you with the living and non- living percentage. The decision lies in your hands and your loved ones. But you are forgetting that you plan and HE decides.

You have not been missing HIM. But HE is yearning for your undivided attention. You are one of the chosen ones that HE loves. Show HIM your loves, act on it. Insya Allah. HE will show you the lighted path. HE will aid you for better tomorrows.

These two souls have been chosen by HIM. And I am chosen by HIM to stay close both of them and to aid them with HIS blessings. Insya Allah.

The Roller Coaster Ride...

The Sacred month is here for me to cherish every moment of it. Yet I am still dwelling. Yet I have not attentively seeks HIS attention and love. I'm guilty of devoting to my desired pleasures and the hope that only HE knows whether it will be made possible. I'm at a indecisive juncture of not knowing whether to keep hoping or to relinquish the hope and move on. To HIM i seek forgiveness, to HIM I seek the answers to the bubble thoughts that keeps appearing when I am dwelling.

It has been a roller coaster ride for me. Now the positive thoughts are de-escalating, engulfing the fear of...there will be no tomorrows for the hope. Everything has gone silent...i'm riding the roller coaster ride alone. My own...anxiety. excitement, fear...Only HE knows...the turmoil i am "digesting". Only HE knows. As I trusts only HIM. HE hears. He sees. HE knows. Please aid me to LOVE you more each day. When love for HIM grows, insya ALLAH, my needs to see the hope resurfacing...will go extinct. I'm waiting for that moment.

A sahabat said that one day I will be laughing at this hope. I do hope the day will come. Since it has just been about two months, too soon to see the day coming.

It took me years to see the hope and open my vulnerable self to it...due to my fear of HIS rejection, as I want it to be blessed. And when I see the hope, it was all HIS teaching. To see others...awe in happiness, yesh... I am green with jealousy, but when i have overcomed that devilish act of jealousy, I smiled...because HE rejected my happiness with HIS being to be near to HIM. HE gave me no choice to choose as HE loves me. HE wants me.

From HIM I arrived , for HIM i live, and the day I depart will be the day I will meet HIM. Insya Allah.