I am neither...nor.

I am neither smart nor rich,
I need to pass through a winding road,
to reach my dream.
I can't glide, I need to climb.
To reach the dream of mine.

Dream of mine, not for my own success and happiness.
But for those I heart, and to those I heart and I want to provide.

To those who are smart,
and to those who are rich.
Define your sucess and reach your dream.
Nothing to waste with the brain that you have,
and the cash that you didn't slave,
but you were raised.

To me,
I'll ask and I'll crave,
and He knows best.

Nourish your mind...to the educators

Dedicated to the educators from me to you...View Who creates the climate?

Good day.

Nourish the Children...Virtually nourishing

View Nourish the Children and digest it...:)

I'm baffled.
Sometimes you want to be found.
Sometimes you want to be missed.
Yet,
sometimes you want to be left.
Sometimes you want to be alone.
Now.
I want to be found.
Yet,
I want to be left.
I am sometimes...baffled.

Unlicensed static film: My Sceneful Thoughts

Reflectionz...

I ended my journey at Serene.pidity.blog on the 12th of October 2003 and I started blogging in July 2003. Amazing, how time passed so fast, and much I have learnt from this, through what I have write, what I have read and friends that I have made. How positive you are taking this "blog syndrome" is how you virtually display your inner thoughts. Sometimes, those are just random thoughts, which may be fictional.
The entry below was my last entry at Serene.pidity.blog. I have moved on and I have reached Phase 4 but what's next after Phase 4 ?

My Journey Has Ended Here...Moving on...The Transition
Phase 1- A part of my life. The Special Needs Culture.
Phase 2- Revealing of my Unguarded Hearts.
Phase 3- Now. Visual Expression of my love to HIM, The Almighty. My heart which will stay guarded by HIM.
Phase 4- The Embarkation. Embarking on a blissful journey. HIS other plans for me.

The Transition
I'm closing the chapter of my life journey here,
as I am embarking on a blissful journey,
which HE has planned for me.
HIS plans are coming into place.
I have moved to a new abode and creating a new living attic.
The sacred month is here, i'll focus my attention on HIM.
No distractions. Insya Allah.
Come December, departing to render my service...
and to learn from it.
Come next year, I will be left alone to nurture my ownself.
To nurture my own needs and wants.
Dear friends, If we meet, it is with HIS permission.
If we don't, it is because HE has other plans for us.

What's next?

Not I lap you and you lap me...

Lihub- Bullah. I love you for the sake of Allah.
Not I lap you and you lap me.
That's the "slapstick" of life,
This verbal expression withered, when time passes.

When you lap me and I lap you...sLAP you back on your thigh.
Then you'll cry.

I remember this (below), but don't know the origin of it.
Childhood days, the days of foolishness and ignorance and we'll "melodiously" say,
" I lap you, you lap me"
"I kentut you lari."

The consequence of this "say", will be the you chase me and I'll chase you.
You'll get me and I'll get you.

Today, I write as a daftology, uninsured mind..:)

The art of saying I love you...

Dont say I love you, rather say: lihub-Bullah - I love you for the sake of Allah, from Love4hereafter

Foolishly entertained...

I foolishly entertained myself and then foolishly "obliterate" my self. Kind of amusing myself with virtuality of it. If you are confused reading it. I am too. Thousand apologies~ the "belit" way or would I say the "vasantham central" way...:)

Today....
It was an 1 1/2 hours of adoringly admiring my little baldie, Angus. He knows my eyes was on him and he shyly asked for my attention. I kept rubbing his head, his "baldie". If I could pack you back to my homeland, I will...:). You little baldie..baldie...You're my little angel.

This little angel of mine, does not have a "healthy" childhood. But who am I to judge. He and his 8 years old, older brother, has been moving from one house to another...or would I say one man to another. As their mom, is a drinker, drug addict and etc.....I can't imagine how their future going to be, if there is no intervention. He is gorgeous and he is beautiful, will he be in this state...when he is a man. I hope and pray for someone to come and change his fate. How i wish it is me? How I wish ?...wishing and hoping.

Silence...

Shhh...., bjork way....
I am witnessing the ultimate silence.
No cues for the possibilities.
Only He knows, and I am still wishing and hoping.

The song from My best friend's wedding...that goes "wishing & hoping...". It's tuning in my head and it goes again..."wishing & hoping...."...and again...again...again.

In this month of forgiveness and hope.
It's best to be silent.
To be silent is a salient character in Ramadhan.
Am I devout? More action to accord my words.
As, action speaks louder than words.

Abu Hurairah narrated that the messenger of Allah said :
"Let him who believes in Allah and the Last Day either speak good or keep silent, and let him who believes in Allah and the Last Day be generous to his neighbour, and let him who believes in Allah and the Last Day be generous to his guest."
related by Bukhari and Muslim

Day- 2

Doa Hari - 2
Yaa Allah! Dekatkanlah Aku Kepada Keridhoan-Mu Dan Jauhkanlah Aku Dan Kemurkaan Serta Balasan-Mu. Berilah Aku Kemampuan Untuk Membaca Ayat-Ayat-Mu Dengan Rahmat-Mu, Wahai Maha Pengasih Dad Semua Pengasih!!

I'v asked.
It won't stop last nite.
The nites to come, Insya Allah.
Has He reciprocate ?
If He has, I'm "peace" with it.
If He has not, He is listening.

My heart still pounding, when I "see".
I don't know what I "see",
or what I "feel".
Let HE reveal, soon.

Day one...

Doa hari - 1
Yaa Allah! Jadikanlah Puasa Ku Sebagai Puasa Orang-Orang Yang Benar-Benar Berpuasa. Dan Ibadah Malam Ku Sebagai Ibadah Orang-Orang Yang Benar-Benar Melakukan Ibadah Malam. Dan Jagalah Aku Dan Tidurnya Orang-Orang Yang Lalai. Hapuskanlah Dosa Ku ... Wahai Tuhan Sekalian Alam!! Dan Ampunilah Aku, Wahai Pengampun Para Pembuat Dosa.

Can you "see"?
The smile of those waiting for the days,
of the silent nites, six feet under.
Their hopes for this nites to stay forever.
We shall not rush for this month to end.
As, those smile will be gone,
while waiting for another cycle of Ramadhan.

Where will we be ?
When Day 1 comes next year.
Insya Allah, we will be here.
Only He knows.

Let's make this month, a better one than the previous one.

HE wants my undivided attention.

Assalammualaykum Wr. Wb. Kt.

The awaiting month is here,
HE is waiting for us to be close to him,
HE will chain our enemies,
for us to attain HIS love.
But we HIS creations, still succumb to the devillish temptations.

Our enemies will be chained,
but they will still be smiling,
because we HIS creations,
still follow their paths without their lead.
Astagfighullah.

HIS love for me has been displayed in many ways. Allhamdulillah.
HE wants my undivided attention.

When I have reached the ultimate capacity of loving HIM,
more than I could love HIS creation,
HE will fullfil my silent cry for the other needs.
Needs that will lead me to the lighted path.
Insya Allah.

HE is listening. I know HE does.
HE wants to see my sincerity.
HE wants to see the purity of my heart.
HE wants me to cleanse my heart, mind and soul.
When the cleansing has been done.
I will retain that happiness. Insya Allah.

Allah does not look at your look and body, rather he looks at your heart- Al Tirmidhi

Dear sahabats, with hope this Ramadhan will be a better one for all of us.

Bin Laden...

Yesterday, was my 1st day as a after school carer at a community centre, catering to a low socio- economic families. There were awkward situations while I strut around with my tudung. I was the one and only bin laden.."associates"...amongst the Australians, which include some aboriginals kids.

It took me awhile, to strut with utmost freedom of breaking the animosity and then, one of the "disobedient- natured" girl, walk passed me and sarcastically said, "Bin laden...hmmm". "Bin laden me" so what. I am proud of what I wear to “preserve’ my chastity. Her remarks did not dampened my “pumping” energy to work my wonders with the adorable cutie pies around me.

I am smitten with this little being called Angus. A little bald boy, age abt 5 years old. His presence sends a tingling feeling of love. Hehe..I am in love with this little being as his voice, his action, his smile, just him…makes me all "excited". Halal excitement...nothing sinful about that. I can't wait for Tuesday to come or maybe tomorrow...to be smitten again. I am drooling with the thoughts of him seeking my attention, grabbing my hand and just being close to me in seeking a sisterly comfort.

Muahsss...to you, my little hunny bunny, Angus. I hope you call my name again, the adorable cutesy way that melts my heart.

Dear sahabats, 26th November. I'll see you and you'll see me. Insya Allah.

Was I a daft...or I am a daft?

I feel like a daft.
Looking, browsing, clicking, thinking.
Emotionally inclined..
to the absence of the other side.

Was I wishing ?
Wishing "washing"...the one on the other side.

Was I thinking..thinking lightly?
of the wish for the other side.

Wishing..washing, willie, wollie, yellow polka dots bikini..
I am thinking life a daft.

Daft ???

Is it the end, will it be the end or has it ended?

- Daftlology, the "non-insured" mind -
I am not writing, I am singing.
As I feel like a daft.

A song of remembrance

Remembrance of A foolish day...it makes me chuckled, my one and only dare moment of cueing a crush. Schooling days of crushes, to be remembered with chuckles and lots of laughter. Will I dare again? I think I did but I didn't know I did or did i?

Why Can't We Be Friends"- Matchbox Twenty
[orig. performed by WAR]
Why can't we be friends

I seen ya, I seen ya, I seen ya 'round for a long long time
I really, I really, I really remember when you drank my wine

Why can't we be friends

I seen ya, I seen ya, I seen ya walkin' down in Chinatown
I called ya, I called ya, I called but you did not look around
I pay my, I pay my, I pay my money to the welfare line
I seen ya, I seen ya, I seen ya standing in it everytime

Why can't we be friends

The color, the color, the color of your skin don't matter to me
As long as, as long as, long as we can live in harmony
I kinda, I kinda, I kinda, like to be the president
And I could, and I could, and I could show you how your money's spent

Why can't we be friends

Sometimes I don't speak right
But did I know what I was talking about
I know you're working for the CIA
They wouldn't have you in the mafia

Why can't we be friends ?

We did "be friends"...just friends. Wonderful.

It is coming to an end...

Back to reality in weeks to come.
The present will become the past.
The future will be transpired, soon.

Trepidation or Anticipation ?
The answer will come when my visualize dream becomes a reality.

Those I heart will be near to me.
Then, it is time to set sail for a greener path.
The destination of the greener path ?
Should I let my heart rules my head or
my head rules my heart.

Or should i leave it to Serendipity.
Serendipity that comes when He said, "Kun fa ya kun".
Serendipity that will lead me to Jannah, His paradise.
Forsaking, the paradise of mankind.

To balance the youth of my life,
with the desire to better myself for the life after.

Golden age will come then will I cry.

The slave of 24/ 7

I was her and I don't want to be her.
The slave of 24/ 7.
The slave of what life may not be for her.
The slave of human desire.
The slave of slaving to the devilish thoughts of love.
The slave who succumbs to the notion of emotion.

I am exhausted to witness this state of slavery.
However, I am glad He allows me to witness this state of slavery.
For my own strength of overcoming future notion of emotion.

My prayer... Let her see the light of her own desire.

It is not zilch...but..

Not much inspiration for me to start my new life chronicle here. Excitement of being independent has died down because of the utmost emptiness knowing that my loved ones, those that I heart are away...miles away. However, after reaching my homeland. I shall depart to ??? I would lurve to fill the question marks. But, He has not reciprocate. I'll wait as I know He knows best. He, the Almighty.

The freedom of no committment plays a major role in marking my hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams for better tomorrow, not solely for me but for those i heart.

What will I be ?
Who will I meet ?
Where will I be ?
I plan. He decides.
No trepidation.
But anticipation.

To those I heart, silent kisses for now, smooching will come soon :)

Series of My life Chronicle: Lethargic (dated 8th July 2003)

This feeling has been growing...is it right for me to feel this way? Is it because of the stagnation of what I am doing or where I am right now? I believe one has to find his/her own drives...motivations...passions...or all the +++ in life :)...you can't expect others to "move you" as you know yourself BEST & others have better things to do. For me..still finding...

I have a great bunch of kids this year...my monyetz J. Somehow they are near normal yet the big A (autism) is still in them. Each of them has their own unique and distinct characters. Their sudden outbursts and ignorance that creates the amusing atmosphere in class...yeahhh they kept me going. It is amazing that behind their ignorance there are truths behind it.

One amusing incident or could I say "statement"...happened early this year when SARs is the topic of our conversation. Topic for the day in class: What is SARs? n all the blah..blah...blah about SARs. One of my charming kid...proudly stood up and said, "I know..I Know about SARs. My daddy said..."Cannot have sex with China girl.", and he walked around the class...finger pointing to his peers and said, "No sex...uh...No sex...". Gosh...was I suprised...or stunned by that statement. I was just trying to control the situation by "forcing" myself not to burst out laughing. Fortunately, the rest of his peers thought that he was saying, NO SARs...NO SARs...and they just responded...YESH NO SARs! WE NO SARs!. If they had gone home and informed their parents what has been shared…haha GOD knows what is going to happen. Don't say Leh...Don't say Lar...This SARvivor song has been my class anthem. How can i feel lethargic with a class of charmers like them?

Reminiscing the past is definitely a great way to feel refresh again...better days to come...insya Allah. My past has come not to torment me but probably to add the +++ in my life...who knows...only HE knows.

My Life chronicle

I was blog peeping my past entries and decided to dig out some of the treasured visual expression, which expressed my thoughts and emotions from my past tiring moments. I shall share a series of my life chronicle.

Life chronicle 1: Randll...O Randall...Your are my Sunshine.
When I see him. He makes me smile. He drowns my worries. He planted me a kiss on my cheek. He gets cosy with me and gives me a cuddly warmth hug. Those are sincere act from an innocent child to a lady. We both have mutual liking that grows. A liking that's no need to be tried. As it grows naturally. No materialistic wants that deny the growing liking that we have.

He is just 4. But he knows the sincerity of my undivided attention that i gives to him. He loves me. I love him to. No sweet words needed for him to woo...just his sincere act and gestures that he will never take back.

He was born in Indonesia. He is a child with mild autism. He was adopted by a chinese couple. He was only diagnosed autistic at the age of 2 years old. Adopted Parents are still in denial. Childrens' Day is coming. I hope he will come as I will don myself to have a snap shot with him.

Today, during assembly....while i was looking strictly at my monyetz who were busy chatting with one another....Randall wrapped his arm around my leg. I looked down and I was smitten by his sunshine smile. I bend down and planted a kiss on his forehead. He smiled. Smile that I know comes from his heart. Mutual smile. I was not misinterpreting his smile. "You are my sunshine...My only sunshine..You make me happy"....ooppss...i forgot the song...He is my Sunshine.

Life was at a stand still for a period. Butnow...my life is moving on the lighted path with the presence of those that I know will be here for me for a lifetime. They will. Insya Allah. Million muahhsss to each of u...:). I was overwhelmed with my stupidity of reciprocating and accepting unintended actions and gestures. Words that comes and goes away as easy as it comes. No one is to be blame not even the Almighty. It is HIS way of showing...let's learnt from it. Let us learnt from it and be better us. Insya Allah. When one fall down and hurt oneself. It will take awhile to heal the pain. But it will heal. It will leave a scar that will remind you of the fall. A fall that you have to learnt from. Let it be only me fall into this pit. Let it be only me. Setiap kesusahan ada kesenangan. Insya Allah.