The Roller Coaster Ride...

The Sacred month is here for me to cherish every moment of it. Yet I am still dwelling. Yet I have not attentively seeks HIS attention and love. I'm guilty of devoting to my desired pleasures and the hope that only HE knows whether it will be made possible. I'm at a indecisive juncture of not knowing whether to keep hoping or to relinquish the hope and move on. To HIM i seek forgiveness, to HIM I seek the answers to the bubble thoughts that keeps appearing when I am dwelling.

It has been a roller coaster ride for me. Now the positive thoughts are de-escalating, engulfing the fear of...there will be no tomorrows for the hope. Everything has gone silent...i'm riding the roller coaster ride alone. My own...anxiety. excitement, fear...Only HE knows...the turmoil i am "digesting". Only HE knows. As I trusts only HIM. HE hears. He sees. HE knows. Please aid me to LOVE you more each day. When love for HIM grows, insya ALLAH, my needs to see the hope resurfacing...will go extinct. I'm waiting for that moment.

A sahabat said that one day I will be laughing at this hope. I do hope the day will come. Since it has just been about two months, too soon to see the day coming.

It took me years to see the hope and open my vulnerable self to it...due to my fear of HIS rejection, as I want it to be blessed. And when I see the hope, it was all HIS teaching. To see others...awe in happiness, yesh... I am green with jealousy, but when i have overcomed that devilish act of jealousy, I smiled...because HE rejected my happiness with HIS being to be near to HIM. HE gave me no choice to choose as HE loves me. HE wants me.

From HIM I arrived , for HIM i live, and the day I depart will be the day I will meet HIM. Insya Allah.